Red (C)

Red claims to be The A-Team with older heroes. Red is actually a crummy wannabe A-Team with older heroes. This becomes a problem considering that Red's source material is something entirely different.
RED the comic book is written by Warren Ellis (who is better known for writing super-hero comics like Thor, Wolverine, Thunderbolts, and Astonishing X-Men) to trash-talk the corrupt, irredeemable nation Ellis believes the United States to be. The comic is a drama--and a very dark one at that. It is also only three issues (about 60 pages with large panels). It has four characters shown for more than two panels.
Red the movie is written by the Hoeber Brothers (Whiteout) to kinda-sorta talk about how insane the US is, but also to tell a cute love story, and mostly to showcase endless action and not-so-endless comedy. It is two hours long, meaning by the time the opening credits finish you will have been able to memorize the book. It also has more characters than Valentine's Day.
The movie is of a group of retired Special-Ops (John Malkovich, Helen Mirren, Morgan Freeman, Brian Cox, and Ernest Borgnine) led by a former government killing machine (Bruce Willis; The Sixth Sense, Die Hard) fighting back against an onslaught of government troops led by a mis-guided but well-physiqued CIA chief (New Zealand actor Karl Urban in what is hopefully a career-making preformance), who is privately concerned to find out his job has connections to a villainous crimelord (Richard Dreyfuss). To continue to-BLAM!--describe the--KABLOOEY!--plot it is impossible not ignore--BUDDAABUDDAA!--the nonstop action--BANGBANGCRASHKABOOOOOOOOOOM! This in and of itself is not a bad thing--the problem arises when one notes that a) none of this in the comic and b) the filmmakers are incapable of coming up with a suitable exposition. What we get is that the CIA and MI6 and the KGB (they are really the same thing) are often used as random gangsters' killing machines and also that if someone fires a bazooka and a second later you fire a handgun they will collide in air to maximum effect. That is about it for plot. Set aside the fact that it is stupid, there is the concerning fact that it is anti-patriotic enough that in the unlikely event someone remembers something from the story it will likely result in them blowing up the CIA headquarters (which, according to the movie, is a pretty easy task). Of course it is no where near as dark and anarchistic as RED the book, so fans of that series (and presumably Warren Ellis) will sit in the theater covering their ears to block out the continuous gunfire and crying at how little Hollywood cares about expressing their beloved cause.
Of course the film is not all bad. After all, with that cast and that many explosions you can't screw it up that badly. True, the movie isn't as funny as The A-Team, and doesn't have well-sequenced action scenes like The A-Team or, if you are tired of this comparison, The Expendables. Still, it does have good action and it is funny. Part of this is due to the script, but also Robert Schwentke (The Time Traveler's Wife)'s skillful direction and the excellent talent of the cast. Every single one of the actors does an excellent--and I mean excellent-- job, especially John Malkovich as a mentally-unstable yet masterfully-violent retiree and Mary-Louise Parker as the bored desk clerk who is being hunted-down simply because she was the one friend of the head "old-timer." This almost makes up for the films faults. Almost.
For a similar yet superior in every way mercenary action-comedy see the--you guessed it--A-Team. If you want to see old stars teaching those young hooligans some lessons go rent the Expendables. If you want an in-depth look at the dark and irredeemable world we hate to live in you should be at Barnes-and-Noble reading the book. Actually, if you are the third, you should be re-evaluating your life, but I guess that is none of my business.