Alpha and Omega (D-)

D-

Bad morals, poor storytelling, and an onslaught of vulgarities make this so-called "family film" suitable for no one.
Of the wolves in Jasper Park Canada, Kate (Hayden Penettiere) seems the best of the best. She is not only an Alpha--part of the upper caste in society--but she is athletic, skilled, smart, pretty, and determined to do everything she can for the community. Problem is her no good friend Humphrey (Justin Long). Part of the bottom caste of wolves (the Omegas), Humphrey is a constant slacker, spending more time joking around then doing any real work. Kate has promised to marry Garth, a buff Alpha wolf from another pack, in order to unite the two tribes so they can share hunting ground and stop the imminent war. However things go south (literally) when she and Humphrey are captured and brought to a US national park in order to repopulate. Will Humphrey’s feelings for Kate jeopardize her marriage with Garth? Will they even get back to Jasper Park in order to stop the bloodshed? Are you not interested in these questions and instead wondering how a movie about to animals being made to mate is translating into a kid’s film?

The film, which features Dennis Hopper in one of his final performances, is supposed to tell the heartwarming tale of how true love trumps all. Instead, it preaches that Kate should refuse to marry Garth and just live the carefree life of Humphrey (the situation will work itself out anyway). As uncomfortable as it may seem, in royal and tribal families marrying people off is often the only way to avoid a war. In many cases the princess refusing because she thinks she would be better off with someone else is the equivalent of telling the world to go to hell, since hundreds, maybe thousands, of lives would be lost. In a more direct sense to the average movie goers life, the idea that being a slacker and thinking about oneself for a change is good will have a negative effect if one at all. Of course, a story about a girl escaping from the prison where she is being forced to have sex in order to return to her nation and vow to serve and obey a guy she only met once all for the good of the country seems a little too, um, intense(?) for a kiddy flick. But why did Lionsgate think this would be a good scenario in the first place?

If these faults were not enough, the film is uninspired, plodding through the vague outline of a plot with a few 3-D shock-effects and a laundry list of potty jokes (with a few sexual and drug ones thrown in to boot). The ending, while maybe not the worst of the year, is probably the most lame; of all the children films I have seen this audience of small kids was the least interested.

The only good part of the film is the good music (the wolves’ anthropromorphised howls are quite lovely) and the hilarious Eve (Vicki Lewis), Kate’s aggressive mother.

One of the worst films of the year, and the least appropriate thing marketed for kids since Transformers 2, Alpha and Omega is a must-not-see whether you are six, sixteen, or 106.

The Warlords/Tou Ming Zhuang (C-)

Despite the fact that this movie is very well made, and that Jet Li gives an Oscar worthy performance, The Warlords is ultimately unrealistically despairing.
Released to critical acclaim in China in 2007, it took three years for Warlords to get a US release. The story tells of famous-in-China General Pang Qingyun, who went from suicidal warrior to powerful general after allying with poverty-stricken bandits Zhao Er-hu and Jiang Wuyang. Told by Er-hu (Chinese acting/singing star Andy Lau who played the villain in House of Flying Daggers), the plot is not a happy one—the three allies (aka the Warlords) are faced with horrible choices, and soon the more cautious Wuyang (Takeshi Kaneshiro, the star of House of Flying Daggers) begins to clash with the radical Quingyun. The script, based on historical events, is written by a team of eight writers and directed by Peter Chan Ho-Sun (Waiting), who was a producer as well. Ho-Sun does a good job artistically—the movie is well crafted and in-depth—even though one can tell it is foreign by the cultural and budget differences from a major US film. The movie can be confusing and rarely pans back to show a larger location (either due to the small, $40 million budget or because such shots aren’t a prerequisite in China), but it has much more detail and a much more open and in depth view than most American films.
The acting is great all round, but best by far is Jet Li. As the conflicted anti-hero Quingyun, who is both a mass murderer and a defender of peace, he puts in vast amounts of depth without breaking his noble manner. Li has never gotten an Oscar nomination, but he certainly deserves one here—most actors would have gone the simple route as a scowling villain, but he makes viewers care about the character quite a lot.
Half-way through the film, I was hoping it could be one of the greatest this year. Sadly by the time the credits role I was thinking otherwise. Despite showing several sides in the conflict between Quingyun and Wuyang, and the fact that the film is not pounding one over the head with a message, it still gives the distinct message of a hopeless, futile life. Wuyang’s tactics seem ineffective, but the movie shows Quingyun as unsuccessful too. As for Er-Hu, he decides to adhere to the code he made with his brother and friend—but this is not getting him anywhere good either. As the final scene tells us that life is hard, I thought that however evil the world is, the film is unrealistically dark and, at the core, false. Yes, bad stuff does happen—but battling for the right thing usually works. I know at a time where people like to oversimplify war and violence it is easy to just badmouth the world’s fate—but this is wrong. There is hope, and it is worth fighting for.
The Warlords is well-made, but at heart it carries a message of despair. One that is worth disagreeing with.

Vampires Suck (D-)/What Makes a Good Parody

Not only does Vampires Suck have some really horrible messages, even for the lowest quality of comedies it has very little entertaining humor.
Becca Crane's life gets complicated when she enters Sporks Washington (she has to move there to live with her dad since her mom ran off with Tiger Woods). Her father can't believe she's grown up ("Your tits are huge," he remarks), her friends are very quirky (one of them is struggling to keep up her long distance relationship with a soldier named John), her romantic interest is an undead blood-addict (he also sparkles in the sun), and a childhood friend with a crush on her has grown canine features (some of them rather feminine). As you have probably guessed, this is a parody of the Twilight Saga. What you might not have heard is that it is total garbage.
I enjoy watching the homemade parodies of Twilight on YouTube. Frankly, I thought they weren't just more original than this, I think writers/producers/directors Jason Friedberg and Aaron Seltzer (Epic Movie, Meet the Spartans) went so far as to steal their ideas. And by steal, I don't mean giving an honorary tribute to them, I mean they just packed that stuff into their movie changing only enough that they hope people won't notice (probably because their changes result in it not being funny).
What makes a good parody is that it takes an element of popular films and expands on it in a way that shows its absurdity. Violence and vulgarities enter in only to further show a silly element in the original. For example, in Airplane, we see passengers lining up with creative weapons in order to beat a female survivor who is panicking. Yes, the scene is funny because of the violence, but the violence wouldn't be funny if it weren't for the fact that many movies showed slapping someone hard as a good way to calm them down. Likewise, when we see a proper woman snort cocaine after being mortified over the drinking of the man sitting next to her, it is to mock common cliches on types of characters, not to just shock us with the presence of drugs. Sure, this movie has a few exceptions that are just cheap laughs (such as the inflatable auto-pilot) but these are kept to a minimum and use either wordplay or creative imagery to make their point.
Vampires Suck wants to be Airplane, but it misses the point of Airplane's jokes. In fact, the only element of Twilight that Friedberg and Seltzer seem to actually have thought up a way to mock is the story's concern over virginity. Sadly, it is difficult to make the idea of a teenager wanting to stay pure an absurd concept, so this joke falls flat.
Not being funny is a problem, but not one to earn a movie a D-. The bigger problem with the film is that to fill space of a feature presentation (unlike Epic Movie, Vampires does not have a wide array of movies to joke over) the audience is barraged by terrible morals. This probably an attempt at rebellious critiques of society, but since nobody put the effort into coming up with well thought out points, the story relies on stereotypes about what teens are mad at adults over. As a result, the movie endorses teenage drinking (while driving!), homophobia, and the aforementioned mocking of sexual purity.
Vampires does have one funny concept--though this is more due to good acting than production creativity. Jenn Proske as Becca does an excellent job at capturing and ridiculing the depressed rudeness that Bella from Twilight flaunts. The detail and astuteness in mimicking Kristen Stewart in a humorous manner is praise-worthy, but judging by the rest of the film I doubt Friedberg and Seltzer had much to do with this.
What is an attempt at an in-joke is in fact only worthy of being washed out with the sewage. For those looking for a Twilight parody, check out the videos high-schoolers are posting on YouTube. For those wanting a parody movie, check out Zombieland. For those looking for a legal alternative to water-boarding, check this out.

The Expendables (B+)

This ensemble action event is short on the finer complexities of most films, but its distinct kinetic style and non-stop barrage of over-the-top action pieces makes this a fun time for those who like this sort of affair.
A trio of mercenaries named Barney, Lee, and Yin Yang(Sylvester Stallone, Jason Statham, and Jet Li, respectability), still nursing the bruises from their impressive hostage rescue, set out on a mission for a mysterious figure (Bruce Willis) to assassinate the ruthless dictator of the fictional South American nation of Vilena (David Zayas). However they get more than they bargained for when their guide turns out to be the dictator's more noble daughter (Gisele Itie), a former teammate (Dolph Lundgren) turns against them, and they find the target not only has a knife-wielding body guard (Antonio Rodrigo Nogueria) but is sometime allies/ sometimes enemies with a powerful American (Eric Roberts) and his vicious henchman (Steve Austin and Gary Daniels). For help, the men turn to a retired friend named Tool (Mickey Rourke) and some more companions (Terry Crews and Randy Couture). As if this isn't enough, Arnold Schwarzenegger makes a cameo appearance.
The plot is a little short on themes, though there is some dramatic elements in the relationships between conflicted tough guy Barney and depressed artist Tool (this gives Rourke a chance to act up a storm). Other sub-plot lines feature Lee's romantic interest (Charisma Carpenter with a difficult role) and conflict among the villains (the latter plot line seems a little unnecessary, but it works). The biggest disappointment though is that Willis, Schwarzenegger, and Rourke don't fight once.
This doesn't mean the movie is a disappointment. The film features tons of absurd violence and action(pretty much the only reason it's rating is so harsh). Many viewers (aka females) will be upset or bored, but most viewers (aka males) will have a testosterone-loaded extravaganza.
What is more is how director/writer/producer/star Sylvester Stallone (who punched people as Rocky and killed them as Rambo) tries a unique style in an otherwise ordinary action tale. The dialogue's jokes are cringe-worthy (they're not just vulgar, they make no sense!), but the choice to have suspenseful music, loud sounds, dark settings, and fast moving yet focused camera movements gives the film a much more tense feel. Furthermore, the story avoids unrealistic romance, maintains believable characters in unbelievable fight scenes, and succeeds in showing a true companionship between the guys.
THE EXPENDABLES is a fun ride with explosions galore.

The Joneses (A+)

Derrick Borte's writing/directorial debut is amazing, balancing funny, thought-provoking, and emotional relevance excellently. If that is not enough, the cast puts up an incredible effort, making this one of, if not the, best films of the year.
To explain the basic plot of the movie is a tiny spoiler (I have to reveal a secret that keeps audiences hooked for the first ten minutes). For those who want to know more about the film, though, I am continuing. A wealthy suburban community is excited and envious of the charismatic new family the Joneses. They seem to be perfect. The father and mother are passionately kissing and giving each other new gifts. The daughter is the talk of the school, and the son quickly becomes the guy everybody likes. They are athletic, smart, and successful. What is more, they are endlessly giving people friendly little tips that seem to work everywhere. Steve Jones says that he isn't a natural at golf--he just has an affordable club that makes everyone great. Steve's wife Kate Jones isn't the excellent cook everyone thinks she is--she just found out about these great frozen foods. Jenn Jones's luscious lips are really only highlighted because she has this great lipstick. Her brother Mick Jones is only the best skateboarder in school because he has an awesome new board everyone should try. The Joneses are truly the family everyone wants to--and probably can--be.
Problem is they aren't really the Joneses. They are unrelated adults who's job is to sell products by pretending to be innocent civilians benefiting from them. Don't get mad, though: it's just business.
The film has many sub-plot-lines that nicely tie together, but the story centers around the relationship between Steve and Kate. Steve is new to the job, but Kate thinks he has the charismatic charm to carry them to success. Steve is struggling at his new career (just like he did as a pro-golfer), but wants to start a genuine relationship--with Kate. True, she is his boss: but if they are going to pretend to be husband and wife they might as well act like it.
The Joneses family isn't meant to be taken literally (at least not yet, that is). However it symbolizes so much more. Yes, what drives consumerism--but that is to overused a subject to base a whole movie on (sorry, Mr. Romero). First, the family (and likewise the film) demonstrates how advertising is affecting everyday lives: selling us things without OUR best interests in mind. It doesn't matter what a product, such as say teen-alcohol, does. If it sells, that's all that matters. Don't be mad: It's just business.
A dark comedy on these issues would be a good movie, but writer/director Borte wants to do something more than that. After humoring us for a while, the movie drills strait down to another central issue: Why everyone, including Steve and Kate, want to be the Joneses. It's not just about the money: There is a strong appeal to playing a part if that part gives you admiration. The story starts poking around and then comes up with a resolution symbolic of what makes people tick--and how they can get their moral clock to tick right.
The film never leaves it's dark roots. After all, how can they? Even if Steve learns his lesson he did so at the cost of others. Or did he even hurt them after all? All of these questions get an answer though, and make the tale more than just satire--the movie is a moving drama as well.
The characters are so interesting audiences would always be impressed, but the actors do a great job anyway. Demi Moore (The Scarlett Letter, Bobby) is perfect as Kate, but David Duchovny (The X-Files) is amazing as Steve (he plays him with just the amount of charisma and conflicted angst the role deserves). Amber Heard (Never Back Down) plays Jenn with a riveting performance of someone with a well-developed enticing persona yet a raging sex-addicted lust and TV's Ben Hollingsworth plays Mick with an atmosphere of reluctant coolness. In another great show of acting, Gary Coleman (a supporting actor in The Brady Bunch and Pineapple express) breaks our hearts as the kindly man who falls for Steve's con hook, line, and sinker.
An absolute must-see, The Joneses is powerful in several different themes as well as a perfect demonstration for how a movie can be a dark comedy and still tell a touching story.

The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo/ Man Som Hatar Kvinnor (C-)

Highly overrated, this somehow simplistic and convoluted revenge/mystery based on the bestselling book series is marred by ludicrous sex and surprising predictability.
Written by Nikolaj Arcel and Rasmus Heisterberg based on the first in Stieg Larsson's hugely popular trilogy, Niels Arden Oplev's directorial debut film is unimpressive despite strong performances and unique characters (and, yes, it is confusing that the Oplev is Danish when the movie is Swedish). Michael Nyqvist (2002) plays successful political journalist Mikael Blomkvist convicted of crimes he didn't commit solving a thrilling case connected to his childhood before going to jail. The mystery (of a disappearing teenager) has been unsolved for forty years, but Blomkvist thinks he may be able to catch the villain with the help of a mysterious young detective (Noomi Rapace) with a tough attitude, a billion piercings, and a genius-intellect.
All the actors do an excellent job (though it would be difficult to mess up such captivating characters): Nyqvist (who should be in some Hollywood films if he knows enough English) shows just the right amount of charm and confusion over his partner, Rapace is tough and frightened, and Peter Andersson makes a really creepy rapist. That said, the story is so-so (you might not guess the criminal mastermind or what the heck is going on, but you can sure guess all the plot twists).

Being overrated would not be such a terrible thing if not for the ludicrous sex. And when I speak of the sex, I am not even talking about the explicit rape scenes (which along with graphic violence and harsh language make this a very intense show). My problem with the sex is an unnecessary extended scene of two people getting busy which serves no purpose save admiring Rapace’s body. It is not only an interruption of the plot, it is abandoning artistic qualities to exploit rather then impress the audience. When a movie called The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo shows more of said girl’s breasts than the title tattoo, there is a problem.

Dragon Tattoo runs more like an R-rated cable-TV mystery and less like the work of art it claims to be.

P.S. Probably hitting theaters in 2012, an American adaption of the book will tell the story with Daniel Craig as Blomkvist.

Ramona and Beezus (A)

Astoundingly simple yet entrancingly beautiful, this intensely loyal adaption of Beverly Cleary's Klickitat Street children books is the family film of the year.
11-year-old actress Joey King plays 9-year-old Ramona Quimby, a creative, spunky, and unique girl who feels overshadowed by her perfect big sister "Beezus" (Selena Gomez of TV's Wizards of Waverly Place), nervous at her father (John Corbett)'s recent unemployment, and horrified by the romance of her beloved aunt (Ginnifer Goodwin) with a charming traveler (Josh Duhamel). The film cannot quite catch all of the realistic charm Cleary put into her books, but relatively unknown writers Laurie Craid and Nick Pustay and relatively unknown director Elizabeth Allen (Aquamarine) do the best job possible.
The movie starts off in a relatively annoying fashion--it is loyal to the book, but still relies to much on cliches. As the picture progresses, though, the plot becomes more realistic and the strong themes emerge. Yes, it is much more fairy tale-esque then the novels, but it combines this with honest messages on growing up and the role of a family. The most amazing thing is how the story is always 100% clean, calm, and simple despite hinting at stronger issues like parental conflict and severe life changes. Never before have I seen a movie use such restraint (even Toy Story 3 had poop jokes); neither was I accustomed to putting in so much adult morals while firmly stating its position as being a tale meant for very young children.
Another thing note-worthy is that while having definite disagreement between characters no one is vilified (except for the non-speaking, tricycle riding, little neighbor). The audience feels the injustice Ramona sees, but also can tell that there are many sides to the story--this fact is further impacted by Sandra Oh (Sideways)'s excellent performance as an abrasive teacher.
It is easy to overlook the need for good children movies--and also easy to miss how skillful one has to be to make these movies equally pleasing to older audiences. Ramona and Beezus does so so well it definitely deserves praise.