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Saturday, April 28, 2012
3-D Report: February & March 2012
Wednesday, April 18, 2012
The Cabin in the Woods (D-)

Five college kids go to an old cabin in the middle of a deep forest for some partying. They are suddenly attacked by a bunch of redneck zombies. But nothing is as it seems!
This movie—written by Buffy the Vampie Slayer and Firefly Serenity creator Joss Whedon and Cloverfield scribe Drew Goddard (who also directs)—isn’t a horror. It’s a parody of a horror. It isn’t a comedy though, since it isn’t comedic. It has one gimmick and that is “plot twists.” The only fun to be had is by 1) marveling at how creative the writers are to come up with increasingly bizarre and unpredictable stories and 2) marveling at how sophisticated you are for enjoying this high-concept art.
While obnoxious, the movie would be tolerable if it didn’t start mocking its plot twists by destroying the few morals modern day horror movies have. Yes, it is a convention that bad people get punished in horror movies, or that doing stupid things like getting high or having sex on Camp Crystal Lake beaches gets you killed. But it isn’t just a concept—it is a metaphor. How many times in the original Paranormal Activity did Kate ask Micah to stop treating the demon like a plaything? That is because (try as the sequels might to erase that fact) the movie had a point—some things you really shouldn’t mess around with.
It is like if at the end of Spider-man a ninja orc popped out of Aunt May’s head and killed Mary Jane. Yes, we wouldn’t expect it—because it is utterly stupid and meaningless. Even very simple films like Saw try to convey something to the viewer. And even if that something is merely an excuse for violence it is at least an effort to keep from having a negative value. Many horror movies have an end where everyone dies despite doing nothing wrong, but at least they don’t have bad deeds be the best way to not die. Yes, we expect that while everyone in Final Destination is screwed the guy who thinks killing his mother will make him immortal is in for the biggest shock. The Cabin in the Woods goes so far as to say “No, being selfish no matter who dies WILL save you and that is totally 100% all right.”
It is very hard to talk about Cabin without giving away plot points. I will say, though, that the biggest thing that concerns me about the characters’ actions is their heavy marijuana use. It isn’t a harmless form of recreation—it fries your brain. However that isn’t the only poor choice the characters are rewarded for doing. They are nasty, self-centered, immoral jerks who care nothing about the best of mankind. Also the main protagonist (played “iChannel” star Kristen Connelly) seems to be trying to be an utterly pathetic idiot. I don’t know how much of that is Connelly’s acting and how it is clear someone had the idea to mock the foolish young girl protagonist of horror movies by making their protagonist overly obnoxious, klutzy, and stupid. It doesn’t work—she isn’t so ridiculously annoying as to be funny, she is just irritating enough to make viewers on edge for the whole picture.
The most frustrating part is that the movie is dripping with the arrogance that this new style of filmmaking is superior to regular horror or comedy films. Ghost Rider films are awful, but they admit they are awful. The Cabin in the Woods is clearly meant to be a cult film, and the cult is definitely centered around ridiculing movies with actual themes or story. The glee with which the picture decimates all the story-telling conventions shows that the filmmakers see no need for the traditions of “theme” and “plot.” Was Cabin’s “creativity” so incredible it was worth paying for instead of a vastly more profitable traditional horror with actual theme and story? The arrogance of the filmmakers is apparent simply because they said “yes.” (If you are wondering what studio funded Cabin, the answer is MGM, and this movie has been on the shelf for three years since MGM went bankrupt and had to sell it for practically nothing).
It is rare we see a horror film that turns out to really be a stoner comedy. But that isn’t because everyone else is unoriginal—it is because that it is a terrible idea.
Sunday, April 15, 2012
John Carter (B)

John Carter is overstuffed and thus underdeveloped, but the harmless action flick manages to accomplish at least one thing: Amaze us with the excitement of seeing a whole new fantasy world that we really want to explore.
The movie starts with Edgar Rice Burroughs (a real author who wrote the book this film is based on back at the start of the 1900s) inheriting a massive fortune from his mysterious uncle John Carter, and with it getting a book. Actually, the movie opens with a Martian prince receiving a gauntlet of near infinite power from some ethereal beings with blue eyes as a voiceover tells us this is an evil tyrant who will soon enslave all of Mars. Then, it cuts to Edgar reading his uncle’s book. He starts reading a tale which takes place fifteen years ago (a year after the events with the Martian prince). John Carter is living in the wild west, a former Confederate fighting machine whose wife and child were murdered by Indians right after the Civil War ended. A group of Yankee cavalry want him to fight Apaches, but he is depressed and crazy and keeps punching them in the face. As he tries to escape to go find a cave of gold he saw a couple months ago, a bunch of Apaches attack (actually, he rides a stolen horse into an area with a bunch of Apaches while being pursued by the cavalry, triggering a bloodbath that he is completely responsible for). When Colonel Powell, the head of the Yankee Cavalry, is shot, he runs off to a cave to hide out with him. The Apaches don’t follow because there is a big spider carved on the side of the wall and they are very fearful superstitious people (the book was written a while ago). In the cave is one of those ethereal beings from the prologue, who is wielding a knife. John Carter shoots him, then grabs the amulet around the guy’s neck and ends up traveling through space and lying in a dessert on Mars. He is soon captured by a group of green tusked people led by Tars Tarkas (a particularly green and tusky green and tusky person). He is trying to avoid a coup from another one of his tribe, while is also concerned because his daughter Sola just got branded for helping John Carter and now is one more crime away from being executed. However John Carter sees a Martian dog being beaten and decides to punch one of the Martian green men in the face for it. Turns out since Mars has a different gravitational pull than Earth he is super strong, so whoops, he just killed another person (or alien). Luckily for him, the green people are pretty impressed, and Tars suggests he become the people’s champion. Just then an airship flies by with a human-looking Martian princess named Deja Thoris. Her airship is being pursued by an airship with Sab Than, that prince from the beginning of the movie. He wants to force Deja to marry him so he can enslave her race, because that is what the ethereal beings want. In the battle, Deja fals off the airship. Luckily, John and the green people are watching, so John uses his super strengths to save her. He then decides to start slaughtering Sab’s men even though, unlike the audience, he doesn’t actually know which side is good and which side is evil. The green people tell him they will spare Deja if he is their champion, so he agrees. However he manages to screw it up that same day by walking into their temple, and manages to get Sola in trouble too. Then we reach the twenty minute mark in this two hour forty minute movie.
Okay, so you got there is a lot to take in? Writer/director Andrew Stanton (Wall-E) really loved the books and he can’t bear to part with anything. As a result, it is way too difficult to remember all the characters and events. Also, there can’t be much character development because there are so very, very many of them. A better strategy would probably have been to either (a) depart from the book more often or (b) split the book into two movies.
That said, it is possible to have a really great time at John Carter. This is a movie that is full of amazing ideas and creatures and adventures. Maybe too many to be realized, but even reading my above plot description probably makes you mildly interested in somepart of the plot.
The John Carter book series has been the inspiration for the modern sci-fi genre. Among people who took directly from the series in order to craft their own fictional universe are George Lucas (Star Wars) andJames Cameron (Avatar). John Carter lacks the groundbreaking visuals of either of those series (not that the visuals are bad, mind you), but it certainly has the ambition. When you watch a movie likePirates of the Caribbean, you are entertained, but your interest is likely to vanish after the credits, and your investment in the story was never conceived. Star Wars, however, is a world so full of ideas and excitement that you want to visit it again and again. John Cartergives you that childlike sense of wonder.
The majority of this review focuses on the scale of John Carter, which is both the main selling point and the main detractor. Other smaller details worth noting is that while there is little theme to be found here, there is certainly nothing that would turn anyone off morally (unlike the similar Prince of Persia and Avatar). The protagonist isshirtless for much of the movie, but it is not in a sexual manner. There is barely any profanity and the violence is quite tame. In fact, it is a pity Disney decided that it deserved its PG-13 rating, as pre-teens would love the film and suffer no negative consequences. Don’t let the fact that The Dark Knight and Insidious have the same rating as this keep you from taking small children to it—Carter is probably tamer than the Narnia films.
The creature design is typical, but well-executed (too the film’s credit, many films have purposefully copied the ideas originated in this book). The 3-D is solid but unspectacular. The costume design is poor (a combination of trampy apparel stolen from the Prince of Persia set and shirtlessness).
Taylor Kitsch, who was previously known only as Gambit in X-Men Origins: Wolverine (in other words, no one knew who he was), doesn’t have enough of a chance to prove himself in this film despite playing Carter himself. The original choice was Tom Cruise; that would have been perfect. Still, Kitsch doesn’t screw anything up and could turn out to have more acting abilities than the film shows. Lynn Collins(another Origins alum who no one has heard of) shows some potential as Dejah—she might seem a little silly at times, but her enthusiasm certainly beats a Natalie Portman monotone. I’m curious to see her next role. Dominic West (TV’s The Hour) manages to take the unenviable role of thuggish moron Sab Than and make him surprisingly interesting: West shows that Sab is aware he is being used but is mostly reconciled to that fact. Mark Strong plays the big bad guy—one of the ethereal blue-eyed beings—because he feels compelled to be the villain in everything (watch The Young Victoria,Sherlock Holmes, Kick-Ass, Green Lantern or any other movie for proof).
Way to stuffed to have a profound impact, John Carter nonetheless provides some harmless fun on an epic scale.
Saturday, April 7, 2012
The Real Issue in the BULLY Debate aka The Weinstein Co. Just Did Something Really Despicable

The controversial R-rating of Bully has provoked a lot of discussion on whether (and if so how) to reform the movie rating system. I think the biggest issue here is not what Bully is rated or whether the rating system should be changed but how the Weinstein Company has done some morally despicable acts to achieve it—and getting away with it.
For those unfamiliar with the background of the story, Bully is a documentary on youth bullying. It shows the lives of several children who live in misery because of unfair and malicious treatment by their peers. The Motion Picture Association of America (MPAA) rated it “R” because it has six f-words. The movies distributor—the Weinstein Company--appealed, lost, and then sued (and lost again), arguing for a PG-13 rating instead. It eventually released two versions of the film—one unrated and one with three of six f-bombs bleeped out. This feud with the MPAA (which is composed of members from six major film distributors but not the Weinstein Company) has been longstanding , dating back to the days when the company’s big wigs—Harvey and Ben Weinstein—worked for Miramax. So it isn’t something just centering around this one PSA documentary and its message. That isn’t in and of itself a bad thing. However the Weinstein Co. is definitely spinning it thus.
That isn’t the biggest problem here. That is the backstory. The big issue is that to help raise public awareness against bullying (that happens to be resting solely on the number of people who see a very noble picture that just happens to have the potential to make millions upon millions of dollars for the Weinstein Co.), Harvey Weinstein stated his biggest concern was that he wanted it to be played in schools. Theoretically, an R-rating would stop that. Obviously, that is total bologna—my school’s 5th grade class watched Glory in order to learn about the Civil War.
Weinstein—yes, while it is a company decision, it is being spear-headed by Harvey Weinstein, so I have no problem referring specifically to him—approached school executives and teachers and explained how terribly upset he was that children could no longer see this movie that had the potential to reveal the horrible epidemic of bullying (yes, the word was epidemic) because it had six f-words. At one point someone might have let slip that schools play movies with the f-word in it all the f-wording time, because Weinstein—in his typical altruism as a crusader for the greater good—offered to show the movie for free to the students. Some schools said no, but several said yes.
Right now there is a petition signed by 20,000 school children with the support of hundreds of teachers begging the MPAA to reverse its decision because bullying needs to be stopped. This sound noble and all, but the simple fact is the Weinstein Company was just able to get several middle schools to go to a special publicity showing of an R-rated film. Not a normal showing—a special, pre-release screening. Movie screenings have one purpose—to generate publicity for the movie. And sure enough, with teachers bringing the kids out of class and explaining that the purpose of this was to stop bullying—and then emotionally overloading the elementary and middle school children with horrible images of bullying—these kids suddenly need to encourage everyone to see the movie no matter what.
Movies can change people. That is definitely true. But lots and lots of speakers and essays and movies and youtube videos have been made to help stop bullying. I am sure many of them have had at least some degree of success. This one movie is not the one hope to stop bullying. And kids could probably convince their parents to get the movie if they really want it. Yet a sad, bullied kid is not going to see that. And neither is a perfectly happy kid who’s friends all believe that the movie will solve everything. If they are brought to a movie with all their friends and implored to do whatever it takes to stop bullying they will of course feel it is necessary to encourage everyone to see the film and order the dismantling of the entire rating system to do it.
I am sure the teachers and administrators who brought these kids to the movie (and plan to show it to future classes on DVD) are genuinely trying to fight bullying. And the kids who signed that petition genuinely want to as well. But this isn’t just some effort to help the community—it is a product being sold by a multi-million for-profit company. It shouldn’t be this easy to get this product distributed to every child in a district.
When you go to Wal-Mart, they offer you samples of the food. Why? Because they know you will buy more of it, and tell your friends to buy more of it. Yet Wal-Mart will have a harder time coming into a school and giving that food to kids and encouraging them to tell their friends to buy some too.
Bully was likely made with the goal of helping fight bullying. It might have the capacity to do so. But it is also a product being sold. Just because it is linked to a real cause does not mean it should be advertised to young children in public schools.
This isn’t a movie picked out by teachers who think it will be helpful. It was the Weinstein Company that approached the school. By giving permission, schools are letting a business advertise directly to their students—and worse, involving the students with the Weinstein’s Company crusade to take down the MPAA. And the business didn’t even have to pay.
Saturday, March 31, 2012
21 Jump Street (F)

I love watching the old 21 Jump Street TV Show. It is exciting, funny, and highly entertaining. I know I’m not the only one: When it was on air, that show was a hit. And for good reason. The cops were cool. They looked like regular high school kids, but they were excellent combatants, stunningly beautiful, amazingly smart, perfectly composed, and exceptionally noble. Who wouldn’t want to be like them--busting up terrible organized crime rings with a few well-placed bullets and sassy comments. Everyone admired those cops.
About thirty minutes into 21 Jump Street you realize that even though it is a parody of the original show, we are supposed to admire these cops too. They are supposed to be cool and what we want to be.
What an insult! Who exactly is this audience supposed to be? These are in no way, shape, or form admirable protagonists. They sell drugs to children, they torture people, they seduce teenagers, and they have no desire to fight for the greater good.
Now I get what the logic is: The original show had such ridiculously cool and perfect characters it was absurd for any real person to be like them. But this movie goes to the opposite extreme. It is funny for a little bit to watch people be jerks, but once you realize that the movie is a wish-fulfillment comedy about what the filmmakers expect we all would want to do as undercover cops it becomes terribly depressing.
It isn’t cool to host a giant party where someone gets stabbed. It isn’t cool to steel marijuana from police evidence and sell it to freshmen. It isn’t cool to make out with high schoolers on government paychecks.
If the newspaper printed a story about undercover cops doing any of the things they do in this movie, it would be a humongous scandal. No one would side with the cops. Yet if it is done in the disguise of a wish fulfillment comedy, it suddenly becomes okay.
These jokes are destructive. It treats serious matters like a joke, even though most people don’t actually think they are. Right now, at least. A few more years of films like these and people might think teen drug abuse, drunken brawls, sexual assault, and police brutality are really normal, everyday things.
It is particularly tragic since the original show, in addition to being a highly entertaining action thriller, served as a PSA to the dangers of drug abuse, child pornography, and other crimes that people might actually witness.
The plot of the movie centers around two policemen going undercover in a high school and getting to redo their old mistakes while also fighting brutal gangsters. Channing Tatum has finally gotten recognized as more than an Abercrombie model for this movie, which is actually tragic seeing as he has helmed some great movies (such as The Eagle) with performances ranging from a introverted soldier (Dear John) to a self-centered crack-addict (The Dilemma) without having to sacrifice his soul. His costar is Jonah Hill, a talented actor who has absolutely no taste. Here he writes and executive produces in an obvious attempt to redo the success he had with Superbad despite having the abilities to do so much more.
The directors are Phil Lord and Chris Miller, who’s biggest movie prior to this was the 90 minute fat person joke Cloudy with a Chance of Meatballs. Michael Bacall writes, hoping a credit on this movie and Project X will stamp out the memory that he once made a legitimate comedy (Scott Pilgrim vs. The World).
If you haven’t noticed, the only person here who is known for making movies that aren’t self-referential parodies is Editor Joel Negron, who is known for action films (The Karate Kid reboot, to begin with). I guess his work is noticeable, since the action scenes are smart and fun. The comedy could be too, except every time you start to laugh they make a joke targeting the values of Jump Street-esque TV shows rather than the continuity errors. Why would honorable cops not screwing up teenager’s lives be laughable?
I sincerely hope that if a real 21 Jump Street movie came out today people would admire those cops too.
Tuesday, March 27, 2012
The Hunger Games (A-)

Fans could not have dreamt of a more faithful, powerful, and exciting adaptation of The Hunger Games as this movie gives.
Jennifer Lawrence plays a teenager who has long since been forced to become an adult. She has a younger sibling whom she hunts and risks her life every day to feed, and an unreliable and sometimes invalid mother who cannot be counted on. She has received little help and has long since accepted this fact. It is kind of insane how much the characters are the same. Yes, it is the exact same character as in Winter’s Bone. But that is who Katniss Everdeen is in the book, and that is a person Lawrence is best at playing. We see her coldness, we see her paranoia, and we even see enough of humanity in the character that we can relate to her.
Unlike Winter’s Bone, The Hunger Games takes place in a dystopian future where the evil Capitol government forces twenty-four teenagers to fight to the death in a miles wide arena in order to squash any ideas at a rebellion. The teens are selected randomly, with two from each district. Since Katniss’s is little more than a coal mining village she has the worst odds. It isn’t Katniss who is selected--it’s her sister, Prim--but obviously Katniss volunteers to take her place. She is paired up with Peeta Mellark (Josh Hutchinson of Journey to the Center of the Earth and its sequel), a wealthier citizen who’s life, while difficult, has not been nearly as scary as Katniss’s. This of course makes him much easier to relate to, but the movie resists the urge to make him a one-dimensional nice-guy. This movie must set up the love triangle between Katniss, Peeta, and Gale Hawthorne (a rebellious villager who is Katniss’s only friend, played by The Last Song’s Liam Hemsworth), and we can’t have a stake in the romance if we don’t genuinely care about the characters.
Lawrence and Hutchinson have a great dynamic, and their relationship feels so very real. Peeta seems naive, but never stupid; Katniss is cold, yet we never hate her for it.
Gary Ross (Seabiscuit), who got the role of writer/director after creating an elaborate storyboard and some test footage and presenting it to Lionsgate, understood the basic rule of adapting a book to a movie: You must love the source material. Ross meticulously recreates every scene, and when he must make changes he clearly does so with the first and foremost thought being to be faithful to the book.
In addition to faithfully adapting the book, Ross brings such skillful directing and story-telling skills he has set himself up as a must for any action adventure Hollywood wants to have start a franchise. While there is nothing wrong with voice-over narration, it is used in an awful lot of movies, so Ross instead shows some scenes of a commentator on the games (Stanley Tucci, excellent as usual) and the conversations between the Capitol president and the guy who designed the arena (Donald Sutherland and Wes Bentley). This only works since Lawrence is such a good actress, and it is not overdone to the effect of distancing ourselves from the unknown terrors of the combat zone (a vast forest full of fearsome beasts, giant fireballs, and other terrible dangers).
Best of all, though, Ross manages to make the movie an exciting action film without having the audience delight in deaths of the other teens. This is supposed to be horrifying, and yet it is going to be difficult to make an action movie while avoiding the action. Ross uses close-ups and circles the camera around and around the chaos so as to make us feel the intensity of Katniss’s situation and worry more about her surviving than her enemies dying. For the deaths, the cast members are often so young and the kills are extremely bloody (except for viewers in England, where the film was edited), but the close-ups keep it from getting an R-rating. The editing team behind this film deserves an Oscar nomination.
There still has to be some flaws in even the best of films. Katniss’s stylist, Cinna (Lenny Kravitz), one of the book’s best characters, seems bland and boring. The alcoholic mentor of Katniss and Peeta,Haymitch Abernathy, is a fascinating person, but Woody Harrelsonsometimes hams it up a tad too much. The final monsters are a little generic and lack the realistic touches of the similar beasts in movies like The Twilight Saga and The Chronicles of Narnia. And the books famous fire-costumes look stupid and underwhelming--and out of place in the otherwise Oscar-worthy costumes. The biggest fault, though, is that there is no real conclusion to movie--it is the first in a three or four picture series and nothing is resolved.
The movie does get one point across--the frightening effects of a desensitized society’s delight in violence and barbarian values in the media in general. Reality TV is a specific target of the movie. It is still a big leap to make--after all, snuff films are still illegal--but I think it is nice to see a movie suggest that perhaps there is something unhealthy to the inherent unkindness of certain shows despite an unmistakable allure of the possibility of winning fame and fortune.
Let’s hope Lionsgate brings back Ross and his team and they manage to keep up the quality to finish the entire series.